“I’m Scared”

“My friend kept telling me I was brave. I put on a mask to feel safer and I did feel brave!” 

-My beautiful Kate

Brave. Fearless. Tough.

People have used these words to describe me. I disagree with them every time. I am no stranger to telling people when I’m scared. I vocalize it the second I recognize it. 

I’m always scared, every day. 

Like most people I tell this to, they immediately argue with me. I just giggle and nod because that’s what I do. The majority of people who have met me would never believe me if I told them the truth. 

I was terrified growing up, of everything. 

I was cautious. The dark, the ocean, scary movies, haunted houses, planes, germs, global climate change, death, the fucking wind! I’m not kidding, ask anyone in my family, I was petrified of the wind. I refused to go outside if there was even a breeze. Now it just makes me angry. 

I come from a family of lions, how was I supposed to hang if I was scared?

Get brave. Fake it until you make it. 

There is nothing more powerful than saying “I’m scared” and then doing it anyway. 

I forced myself to do things that were scary. I put on a mask and pushed through. I hated feeling like a victim, so I refused to ever feel like that again. I decided (at way too young) that I would never let someone or something control my fear. I was in charge of that. 

We may do big girl things like have imaginary conversations with our anxiety and say “nahhh not today” or silly little things like wearing our favorite socks before every ski exam to feel a sense of comfort. 

Fear is okay. You’re supposed to feel it, but talk to it. 

What are you scared of?

Can you fix it if it goes wrong?

If not, do you have the confidence you’ll be able to withstand it?

Are you confident you can find a new way to withstand it?

Feel, acknowledge, think, act, repeat. 

We’re all tough, we’re all brave, we’re all fearless. Even if you have to put a mask on. 

Don’t believe me. Here’s a conversation I had a few weeks ago with my dad:

Be best friends with your fear, it’s you after all.